I've poured out my bucket list this summer

I had to either pour out my bucket list or simply allow it to run over.
The things that I have checked off this summer are somewhat humbling and somewhat ridiculous.

- remodeled a kitchen (with the help of wes and louie
- vacationed without kids (perfect sandy beaches with just the hubs)
- ate musssels in white wine sause (just because julie from california did)
- started running (working toward my first 5K soon)
- completed chapter 2, twice (only to be back to revising it)
- danced the salsa with elizabeth (everyday)
- brought a dog into our family (named ripley and already has my heart)
- wrote letters to afganistan on a daily (actually not daily, maybe weekly) basis
- fell in love with an espresso martini
- listened to jake emerge as a reader (that simply makes me smile)
- fix a wing on a lego airplane (chance said that I did it completely wrong, but the wing lasted)
- danced with rod stewart (actually with missy, carol and chaela, but we were in the same field)
- watched elizabeth put together a front porch swing (I thank her each time I hear it squeak)
- started playing tennis again (with the wall at St. Albans high school)
- grew enough tomato plants to be able to pick at least one tomato each day
- did not teach a summer class which was high on the bucket list
- broke an iphone (front and back)
- welcomed home my best friend from a deployment

the many faces of E

Elizabeth is fourteen going on twenty one -

 she watches mature thememed television shows such as Dexter and House Wives of OC

Elizabeth is fourteen going on sixteen -

she loves to drive the car around the block at every opportunity

Elizabeth is fourteen going on eight -

she loves being silly with the boys to make them laugh

Elizabeth is fourteen going on thirty three -

she made twenty two patrictic pens to give out when Nate came home

Elizabeth is fourteen going on seventeen -

she helps out with the sunday school children

Elizabeth is fourteen and going on twenty two -

she can put makeup on and look like a Kardashian

Elizabeth is fourteen and going on fifteen -

she will try any sport with enthusiasm

Elizabeth is fourteen and going on sixty-three -

she can relax and enjoy the moment

She is fourteen and absolutely amazing!

I could not be more proud of the wonderful person that she is at every age.

134 days later

My world suddenly came back into focus. 

From a blur that my new daily dose of zoloft couldn't combat.

From a blur that an extra glass of wine in the evening couldn't push away.

From a blur that my kids sweetness couldnt warm up.

From a blur that time with friends couldn't laugh away.

I needed Nate.

Out of the haze of sadness, walked Nate back into our lives.  

what was I thinking?

All of my life I have felt quite capable.  I knew that with some preparation and hard work, I could accomplish most things that I set sights upon.  I don't know how that 'can do' attitude was curated and refined, yet I have rarely been at a loss of how to get something done. 

Until this dissertation... the greatest challenge of my life lays before me in a stack of 57 pages that is littered with revisions, notes, suggestions, demands, and "I would never write that again if I were you" comments.  I submitted chapter 1.  chapter 2.   chapter 3. to my chair last week.  Today I got back a new stack of revisions, notes, suggestions, demands, and "I would never write that again if I were you" comments.  

But I will finish this.   Even if I die trying - dramatic I know - but the feeling is genuine.  

A quote that I love from Eleanor Roosevelt expresses it best when she says that we must do the one thing that we think we are not capable of.  Or something like that.   It is also the new motto for Weight Watchers, so either I can lose some weight or write this paper.

Oh, I will finish and publish this paper if only to be called Dr. for a day!

bliss

This week E and I have been talking about our summer plans.

We want to enjoy the summer and continue moving ahead on some projects that we have started.

So, we (I) decided that we needed a word for the summer.

Like our own mantra or word to symbolize our ideal.

I called lots of 'mom' words that she quickly vetoed. 

Until I said 'joy' and she said 'too christmasy' and proceeded to look up synonyms on her iphone for the word joy.

The word 'bliss' popped up and we know right away -

We now have a summer word. 

Feels good - blissful.



rainbows and roses

The love that continues to grow each day between step-dad and step-daughter is a source of constant fascination and celebration.  There is something so inherently deep between them that I cannot help to thank God every day for bringing Nate into her life.  

He shows that he loves her by simply choosing to be a friend and parent day in and day out.   The good days and the bad, he is there - dependable as a rock. 

It is not always rainbows and roses at our house.  Instead there is a lot of real life that consist of:

"Who left their shoes in front of the door again?"

"It's someone's job to empty this dishwasher."

"Jake is only 5, give him a break."

"You can't bring down two weeks of dirty clothes then expect it all clean in an hour."

"Stop aggravating the cats!"

"Are your chores (homework, catbox, dishes, etc) done?"

But many days it is all rainbows and roses.  Our real life often does consist of:

dancing in the kitchen

making jokes just to make one another laugh

working together to get a hard job done

drawing together at the kitchen table

after school pick ups and drop offs

patience in explaining difficult topics

saying positive things to each other with a genuine heart

I am quite lucky to have it all - the fussing and the fun!!

now its mother's day

I had a wonderful Mother's Day.

On Saturday, Mom, Carol, Elizabeth and I went to a nice lunch and shopped at antique stores. The conversation and shopping was so relaxed and familiar. Perfect.

The following day I spent with the other mom's in my life, Debbie and Nancy. The afternoon lunch was kind and very nice to spend the day with Nate's family. Perfect.

But what made it a true Mother's Day was stepping over tools in the kitchen and cleaning up cupcake ingredients from Elizabeth. Being a mom to E and to the boys could not feel more right.